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“In order to write about life first you must live it.” – Ernest Hemingway

  • The empty one

    The empty one

    an empty bottle
    tried to catch some water

    you could see through the glass
    that it was completely dry

    nothing within
    everything gone

    in another bar
    someone thirsty like hell

    didn’t took an effort
    to refill again

    the empty bottle
    fell down and broke its neck

    time for a new one
    said the stranger

    while his kind of bottle
    felt like garbage

    and died silently
    in a big brown bag

  • Brief encounter

    I was intimate last night. With a woman, not sexually, not even touchingly, just our thoughts crossed until they formed a synergy of pleasure. Strange, but real. I’m not making it up.

    I knew her from a course a while ago. Today at the market I met her. We walked together to a café, there in ten minutes I told her what I had hidden from my best friend for ten years. It was as if she stole her ideas from me, as if she knew me even before I knew her. She claimed to be my male counterpart and I would be her redeeming female counterpart. I had never thought about this before, but yeah, why not, she looked great. An intense, intimate conversation followed. I lost the hour and myself in the increasingly seductive words of her, or him.

    At the same time, a guilt that haunted me from my past overwhelmed me, she wanted to heal me, while I felt myself floating in the smell of gallons of beer. I felt good and bad at the same time. Then, she had to go.

    We said goodbye and decided to see each other again in two days. She would come in the early morning, because she wanted to interview me for some course, on male emancipation. I felt honoured, but not emancipated. I was long past that stage.

    I wanted more.

  • Bloody Theatre

    Meanwhile, the theatre course had thinned out quite a bit, a real slimming down. And as it went on now, it would become an AA – club. The debriefings at the café lasted longer than the rehearsal moments. There were only eight of us (out of 16) until things got out of hand.

    The two young actors, Robin and Tom – companions of our theatre souls – took a samurai blade and cut our team’s heads off in pure disappointment. Screaming was out of the question. I barely managed to escape by pretending mine was already chopped off, as I have always been talented at those things. Like possessed, the two desperate men ran outside.

    Quickly, I crawled up and called the police. I still tried to resuscitate the rest of the trainees, but I couldn’t remember which heads belonged together, so I probably made the wrong combinations and it was no use. I then fled, because in that too I’ve always been talented. The city was in turmoil, I heard gunshots, and the whoosh of slaying, everything slowed down before my eyes. I saw the shop windows decorated with lights, it was almost Christmas, it was coloured red, blood and dismembered body parts clinging like garlands to the window panes, the city had gone mad. Everyone was hitting everyone.

    Pens, books, clothes pegs, condoms filled with sulphuric acid, they used everything to hurt each other. Despite this, they were friendly to each other, they didn’t shout mean things or anything, they just let each other torture, until the police came. They convinced them to go after the ones who started this. So, the whole mob went after our actors. By now they were sitting on a terrace drinking a glass of beer from where they watched the spectacle, until, the people approached them.

    ‘Let’s pretend we’re a fruit basket, then they won’t see us, ‘ Robin said. Tom nodded, but realised he was not a fruit lover and knew this was going to be difficult.

    This cunning disguise just didn’t work, as one individual from the herd had noticed how a worm crawled out of the fruit dish and since the fruit is always fresh in this town, they knew it was fake fruit. Moments later, the rotten fruit dangled above the river.

    Back to the scene. Tom and Robin shot now into laughter.

    We came to the conclusion that we didn’t know what to do that night. Everything had gone haywire anyway. So many people had dropped out that we started to throw out the lyrics that would normally play the absentees. Maybe we should write something ourselves.

    The play was now called ‘Suffering’ and involved some scenes around a wedding party. We scrounged together on the floor, along with a container of beer and two bottles of wine, which we had still found in the building’s basement. In the rehearsal room, or what had to pass for it, there was also a music system. We were trying out how much volume it could carry. We would make it our own party.

    A few pints later, I was reciting poems, others were rattling off their lyrics. We intervened with our sentences, picking up the other’s role, playing off each other and improvising our way. This is how theatre was made.

    An hour later, we were lying, crawling, jumping on the floor and letting ourselves be moved by the waves of music all around. For the first time, we saw each other naked, and all mutual tensions and prejudices slipped away. In the basement, we found some ketchup bottles and started spraying the red stuff on each other’s bodies. As if we were wounded bodies.

    Eventually, the party stopped. By the few visitors to this theatrical spectacle, a police duo who watched this playful circus. But, the ketchup ritual had become too much for them, they switched off the music system and wished us a good night.

  • Metromojo

    Metromojo

    Het moment. De metro, huilende kroost, metrostart met turbo boost. Vallend, kruipend, op weg naar de bestemming. Eerste halte. Een massa volk drukt zich door de nauw geworden opening.

    Hiertussen weer zo’n vrouwelijk schepsel. Niet te mager, niet te zwaar, geen babyface, geen schminkmasker, puur natuur, maar vooral – en vergeef me deze lichtjes gefrustreerde voyeuristische opmerking – het derde knoopsgat van haar bloesje staat open en laat mijn betrokken ochtend opklaren. Zonder Wonderbra zie ik, geheel zonder enige ondersteuning. Haar zachte golvingen verdwijnen in de diepte en de metro wordt roodgloeiend. Voor die ene keer ben ik dankbaar dat we zo dicht op elkaar zijn gepropt. Het kwijl vloeit van de éne kant naar de andere, ik wil, neen, ik, ach, het is zo hemels, kon ik maar heel even…

    Ze kijkt naar me, ze merkt mijn niets ontziende mojo op, mijn licht ongecontroleerde schokkende heupen, hoewel ik zo braafjes mogelijk apathisch en impotent wil lijken, maar ze merkt het en draait zich om, zodat een wat oudere vent de kans krijgt om voor mijn “objet du désir” te staan. Hetzelfde herhaalt zich, ook deze man kan zich moeilijk beheersen. Als een rituele paringsdans staan we er te hijgen. Zij wringt zich wat verder weg, we kunnen haar nog net zien. Het valt op, wij mannen zijn zwak. Of toch, we beheersen onze hormonen nog net, maar bij de minste opstoot wordt het erger en verdwijnt het evenwicht. Al zeker voor zij die zich alleen voelen. En dat zijn er velen. Het mannelijk ras zoals het was, met uitsterven bedreigd. Terecht. Misschien.

    Tot na de volgende halte een andere man zich tussen haar en ons zet. Hij heeft er duidelijk geen last meer van. Een door de zonnebank aangeslagen goudbruin hoofd. Een kin verdwenen in vetcelletjes bijeengepropt door een dagelijkse portie stress, waardoor het lijkt alsof zijn hoofd ieder moment kan exploderen. Dat staart mij aan. Alsof hij door me heen kijkt en ik in de toekomst kijk. Hij heeft alles ervaren. Ik ben er niet. Levenloos.

    Hij strijkt met zijn merkwaardige smalle vingers, buiten de eeltige ringvinger, door zijn dunne haren en net als bij een hond zweven ook zijn haren erna over de grond.

    De metro stopt. “Mind the gap”, galmt.

    Ik stap uit, neem een flinke teug van de wat frissere lucht in de gang en wandel verder met enkel het beeld van de bloedmooie inkijk in mijn hoofd.

    Primitief voelt de dag, lichter. Als ik er niet bij nadenk.

  • Where can I find … ?

    Where can I find … ?

    Our lovely teacher, Mr. Colbert, is kind enough to draw the inner networks of computers on the blackboard and wipe it with the same dirty wet sponge every time. Because of that sponge, everything is very fluid, than he immediately writes over it so he doesn’t waste time and as a result, the chalk becomes wet. Invisible. Asking him to wait for it to dry does not work, he prefers to wipe it back in front of us.

    So yes, it’s true, a big problem in the computer lab is the absence of computers and board sweepers.

    Enough! I can’t stand it anymore.
    I boldly decide to go to the secretariat. During the break, I storm in, half possessed of pent-up anger:

    ‘Will you please get me a decent board wiper, or else just pop me.’

    I now take my glasses and hold them right in front of the nose of the man behind his desk.

    ‘My glasses have already dropped from -2 to -4 after five lessons!’

    After this slumming and forceful plea, the corny man picks up his eyeballs, straightens slowly and opens the lock of a heavy metal cabinet. There lies one more board sweep. Reluctantly he approaches, takes my hand firmly and pushes the sweeper in. He raises his raspy voice.

    ‘Bring it back later because otherwise they’ll steal it … It’s the only one we still have.’

    Proudly, I walk into the classroom and place it on the desk. He looks at the strange thing in front of him for a moment and without glancing at me, I hear a short ‘thank you’.

    A moment later he stands there in the dust, a grey mist hovers around him. The sweeper refuses to work properly. He turns and looks at me with a scathing look.

    ‘Just pay attention, there are people here who will have to try hard on their examination.’

    Fuck, where do I find a contract killer?

  • Dematerialising


    I feel empty in an absurd world that cannot satisfy me. Then I move to other dimensions. This already works when I concentrate on the touch between my body and the matter around me, and it is as if I become a part of it, it merges with me. A symbiosis between the thing in front of me and me. As paper I feel soft, as metal I feel hard, as a bar of soap I feel woke.

    But I want to feel the passion, touch the passion if I may. Without blinding myself. Every time I see a beauty, I have to struggle not to speed up. I want to express everything then, say what I think and feel. A total surrender. So that she sees me. And still leaves me as I am.

    When I find someone, then I will lead her inside my dimensions. I will touch her gently, every cell lining her skin, I will be enjoying every touch intensely, as she puts her hair on my neck and her lips in my ears, so that I hear the music of her breath until I grow tired of happiness and may die.

    So it shall be.

  • De plafondstarende puber

    Symbiose.

    Ik voel me leeg in een absurde wereld die me niet bevredigen kan. Dan verplaats ik me naar andere dimensies. Dat lukt al wanneer ik me concentreer op de aanraking tussen mijn lichaam en de materie rond me en is het alsof ik een deel ervan word en het met me versmelt. Een symbiose tussen het ding voor me en mij. Als papier voel ik me zacht, als metaal voel ik me hard, als een stuk zeep voel ik me wak.

    Maar ik wil de passie voelen, de passie aanraken zo het mag. Zonder mezelf blind te staren. Telkens ik een schone deerne zie, moet ik moeite doen om niet te versnellen. Ik wil alles uiten dan, zeggen wat ik denk en voel. Een totale overgave. Zodat zij mij ziet. En me toch met rust laat.

    Als ik dan iemand vind, zal ik haar binnen leiden in mijn dimensies. Ik zal haar zachtjes aanraken, elke cel die haar huid bekleed zal ik opwarmen en van iedere aanraking intens genieten, terwijl zij haar haren in mijn nek legt en haar lippen in mijn oren, zodat ik de muziek van haar adem hoor tot ik moe word van geluk en sterven mag.

    Zo zal het gaan, denk ik dan. Terwijl ik me naar buiten haast.

    Aanraken

    ‘Dag jongedame, euh juffrouw, hoi hoe is ’t mevrouw, nee, goeiendag edele dame, uhm Fuck’

    Ik wandel en mijmer over wat ik zal zeggen als ik haar zie.

    De mist cirkelt rond me en stijgt snel op wanneer ik haar warme kamer bereik. Ze opent, vriendelijke woorden verwelkomen me. Ik zet me en zeg niets. Ze vraagt me wat. Ik blijf zwijgen. Het is eventjes stil. Plots beginnen mijn lippen te trillen en de gedachten volgen hun vormen.

    ‘Mag ik je aanraken?‘

    De verbaasde blik van haar verdwijnt gelukkig snel en smelt tot een oase van sereniteit en stil genot.

    ‘Ja‘

    Ik raak haar huid aan. Het is alsof ik haar hele wezen zie en voel. Het voelt koud aan met een warm dekentje eromheen.

    ‘Mag ik je hart voelen?’

    Ik raak het aan en knijp erin. Ik voel het kloppen.

    ‘Is dat nu het kloppen van een hart? Hebben wij dat allemaal?’ vraag ik haar argwanend, want ik had al lang geen hart meer voelen kloppen. ‘Een laatste wens, laat me stilletjes sterven in jouw armen?‘

    Ze glimlacht lief en neemt me in haar armen, terwijl ze met haar warme adem mijn bleke gelaat leven inblaast en ze het bloed kust dat uit mijn ogen gutst. Eindelijk.

    Een beklemmende gedachte overvalt me. Misschien is zij de dood.

    Iemand loopt tegen me aan. Ik haast me uit de fruitafdeling van de winkel. Het wordt me teveel. Neen, zo niet, nu nog niet.

  • Fast Food Song

    Fast Food Song

    I’m, I’m, stuck
    in a fast food world
    in a fast food war

    with fast food woman
    I’m a fast food man
    with easy romantics

    I’m, I’m a fast food junkie
    who writes fast food stories
    little meaningless poems

    of my mind whizzing around
    like little flies on spoiled food
    I am, I am a fast food romantic

    I am, I am looking forward
    because I can’t go back to what was
    I go fast in fast food romance – with myself

    as she counts down from five to one
    in a fast food plastic world, in a frozen image
    never seen before, I lose, I lose my fast food

    thoughts, to quickly I linger
    working on my self, my ass
    for a brand-new world

    so that I can be happy in hell
    a happy royal in hell
    in this fast food hell

     (awake but not woke
     I wander around)

  • Your Crow

    Your Crow

    When your head is a mush
    of wet cement about to become concrete

    with steel pin shot between spines
    floating above a falling lump of kryptonite

    your eyes become too slow to close them,
    again you feel lost in a broken time.

    You crow your way into darkness
    10 000 miles above Zen crashing at 800 mph

    you have to, you want to reach out, what cannot be found
    what cannot be stilled.

    you suck up all the power, that grotesque great courage to go on
    cause you crow, crow by crow.

     

    For Max Porter

    Afbeelding van blackrabbitkdj via Pixabay
  • ICT Class

    Surely every year on whatever for school you apply, there is always one of those completely useless courses taught by a fossil. Now this one is clad in a dirty green” colbert”, too small “plastron” and brown too-high-fitting slacks. I originally looked forward to this course impressively titled “Computer Science with Introduction to New Communication Technologies,” but it turned out otherwise.

    He didn’t know what to give, happened to stumble upon a free technically prehistoric computer science course and now dishes out all the blah blah blah, so to speak, the basics about the IC of the chip, control buses and “faisable links” that you can place. Facts I can completely forget while covering a war or writing an historical screenplay about Ireland’s independence. Does a writer need to know how the neural pathways in his hands guide his way to his pen? The rotten part is that we also have to study it for an exam. That you can fail because of it. Not with me. If necessary, I’ll block that thing blindly out of my head. Even though my motivation for this is particularly low.

    Today was a short class. The sun was burning through the high glass roof, and I did put on my old, hole-ventilated jeans. I entered the “control unit” torn and weary, ready for an hour of battle with myself, a test of character in obediently obeying the monotonous command of the executioner in front. I had barely entered the room, or already the axe fell at my feet.

    ‘You there, with your hole in your pants, what do you think you’re doing here?’
    ‘PJ, sir, the name is PJ, sir, you know that,’ I continued jokingly, ‘and better a hole in my pants than one in the budget.’

    I smiled. He didn’t.

    I thought to bring up some arguments then: ‘In the summer people even wear shorts, sir (I have to stay friendly) and there’s nothing a little tear like that against that, is there?’

    His head began to swell slightly, suddenly his vocal cords dilated:

    ‘This is a high-class academy and…’ at which I interrupted him ‘And you want to turn it into a torture dungeon, surely?’
    Anger, roaring sounds, I still wanted to save my skin:
    ‘Sorry, we’re adults after all, let’s not argue about this.’

    But it was too late, a heavy screen wiper flew in my direction: ‘Get out!’

    Teaching has already taught me a lot, including how not to teach.

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